庸庸碌碌过一生

The dull and dark feeling of helplessness and restlessness is creeping on me more and more often nowadays.
As much as I like to live my youth and my life to the fullest, it is becoming more and more apparent that it is impossible to do so.
Carpe diem, so they say, I am unclear whether is it due to my own passive character or is it because of the big environment which shaped me so, but this haunting feeling of not being to live to my fullest potential and happiness is fast becoming an unhappy reality.
There are too many things I can't control, and there are too many things I can't let go.
In the end, I am always the one to sacrifice the possibilities ahead, simply because I am the only one left to fend for myself and my loved ones.
There is indeed a small, unfamiliar urge within me to dream big and be successful beyond normal imagination instead of sticking to the tried and tested route for security, but I desperately lack the means and opportunity to do so.
In the end, I believe I will be damned to live a mundane, common, insignificant life just like the majority of everyone else, because it is simply not within me or anyone to fight the bigger, negative forces which had surrounded me all my life.
庸庸碌碌过一生。
This is the life I had feared I would live, and yet it seems inevitable for one as helpless as myself.
Let's just hope the restlessness caused by my unnamed ambitions and dreams will fade away without hurting so much.
The world is big and beautiful, and I am and will be just staying here.
I am only 20. Why do I have to keep reminding myself and others that I've barely began my life?